Addiction: When the Bottles are all Empty


    I heard a bottle pop today, when you set it down, I wasn't very tasty.
Halloween night, both of us ready. No candy for couldn't walk steady.

I heard a bottle pop today, unfortunately for us, you were too sick to come out and play.
We giggled and laughed the evening away, but not you, the arguing lasted most the night and half of that day.

I saw the bottle pop today, I'm no longer four. It's weird how now I realize, you're actually passed out on the floor.

The years pass by and your method has been tried and tested, not much to show for how much you've invested. They hide in the cabinets, they hide behind the fridge, I guess this is proper behavior for one that may need a binge.

I found a bottle stash today. Cops bring me back, apparently it's me who's character lacks. When a teenager leaves home it doesn't matter how much you've easily that enormous fact was ignored. 
      I take the blame and I feel the guilt, meanwhile your cries should be for your own help.

We struggle and battle. I can't keep up, with the amount of self pity, your hiding in that cup.

You popped too many bottles this day. The ambulance came and took you away. Off to the hospital to make you feel better, they couldn't figure out why you were so under the weather. In loyalty I shook my head and turned away. I said I had no idea what was causing your pain.

They let you come home, they said you were all better. To my relief I finally thought maybe we had it together. Two months in, I saw that damn bottle pop open again.

I no longer hear those bottles pop, instead I wait for the phone calls you don't remember you dropped. You've called all the family, you've called all the neighbors, awkward for me comes pretty standard. I've attempted before to bring drunk you back down, to realize that maybe it really is safer on sober ground. The help came and left when you declined their advances. They look at me crazy, like I'm the one doing drunk dances.

I've  begged for your health, for sanity, for real laughter. So that maybe our relationship wouldn't be such a disaster. I'd do anything to make all your bad days feel better... but it's not me in control, by now you should know better.

I know the bottles will continue to pop, until you figure out it's time to stop. Let me tell you a secret. I'll sit and I'll wait while you continue to pour. Later these bottles will be empty but tomorrow you can buy more. I am only one person, I'm not sure what to expect, but each day it feels a little more like regret. 
I'll give you what I've got, so please take my help while you still can. The bottles will be to full to fall over and I'll be to empty to stand. I'll be powerless while alcohol wins this battle over man.
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The Art of Divorce


               It was bright. The sun shot through the living room with urgency I couldn't ignore. Summer isn't one to wait, it's days are over before you're able to remember when they began. I loved these mornings.  With feet dragging but eyes shining, I got the four littles ready for the day. The previous night I spent hours with the stars, hoping they'd whisper some universal truth into my ears to help ease me through another week. Something wasn't right, I'd felt it deep into my bones for months now. The kids were enjoying breakfast while I hurried around the house with a bowl of cereal, packing the last few necessities to get out the door and go fishing. 
        Maybe it really was me or maybe it was him. Maybe it was the sun's fault for shining light into rooms, that for every night cradled only darkness. It happened. A sentence broke into a conversation and a conversation birthed into an argument. Tongues were razors and the room reeked of disgust. I really wanted to eat my whole grain cereal. I know how tired I'll be later on when the hustle doesn't slow and my mind is too overcome with the joys of the day to stop and waste time on making a sandwich.
                 A Corelle bowl was in the air, my precious plans inside. It shattered, into a million little shards. It shattered. He picked up a piece like an Olympian would a medal. He laughed, he had won. The mess was beautiful. Milk peppered with opaque chunks, circled by wheat flakes. The hardwood floor took the role as canvas and I was the creator. It was art and it spoke to me.  I was glued in thought....the first one being that I just lost my breakfast. The second thought was "Who in the hell makes this Corelle guarantee? It says right on the damn box that if one chips you get a replacement without question! If that's the case then how do I get a replacement for 850 chips in my bowl?!? -shit). Kids were still eating. Unaware of the life changing game that just took place in the living room. My faith in relationships and kitchenware had failed that morning. Pre-marriage Sam didn't know you would actually need to use your warranty on your expensive dishes. 
              If you're reading this and your searching for some understanding let me share with you what I learned. You're allowed to try and fail many times but when the chips turn into an all out shatter, let it shatter. Let it smash to the ground and explode where it lands. We won't always get the clean breaks we hope for, but if the torque and tension build into a force large enough you will be able to sweep the pieces into a dust pan and toss them away all at once. I don't think he knew it then but that minuscule bowl of cereal showed me more than 5 years of marriage could. After he left the room I cleaned up my mess with the summer sun witness through the windows. I heaved the grain sized pieces into the trash. I signed my divorce papers last month. This month I plan to get new dishes. I want to see a complete set shining in my cupboards again. 
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My Name is Sam and I'm "At Risk"


        Let me start you with the basics. My name is Sam. I'm in my mid 20's. I originally started blogging 6 years ago during maternity leaves doing parenting reviews. My blogging interests have tweaked with the passing years. I am working on updates. I have four beautiful kids, all under the age of 10. I work for the USPS as a "mailman/lady". There's not a down moment in most of my days and I wouldn't change it for anything. 
     For ten years I've lived with the knowledge that there's a potential monster lurking in my body. I don't know when it would appear.... or if it's even there. At 14 I witnessed my grandmother's slow cancerous decline into her passing. At the time I believed it to be the cancer that took her away. I didn't know the deadlier culprit was already in her blood and that it had been coursing through her veins her entire life. The genetic testing revealed Huntington's Chorea. Other family members knew what it meant. I did not. There's a stigma attached to family secrets. They aren't suppose to be told. Why something medical fell into this category I never understood. Ironically the genetics that bond us all together are the same ones that could kill us. While overhearing conversations it was always referred to as "the family disease". We were all affected, whether we admitted it at the time or not. 
My Aunt who inspires me daily. She spends much of her free time with my Uncle.
He has confirmed HD 
            My grandparents had 5 children. (I inserted a diagram below to help show how the gene is passed over time). In the past decade one has been diagnosed and placed in nursing home care. He is one of the most beautiful people I know and with the care he receives he's improved greatly but his diagnosis will never change, there is no cure. He has no children so there's no-one else at risk. Two others went through the mentally grueling process of genetic testing and to the relief of many, both tested negative. This cleared not only them but a total of 6 kids (my first cousins) and 2 grandchildren. Two others have not been tested, this is a personal choice and what they are comfortable with. It is their right. Without the test results for those branches of family there are 3 kids at risk, counting myself. If the gene was passed to my parent I have a 50/50 chance of being positive as well. 
           In the beginning it was always taught to keep quiet. I believe there needs to be acceptance and admission. Shame has no place here. There is power in knowledge, power that can help wipe out the fear associated with all Huntington's Disease brings. If everyone hides away that which scares them so deeply, how will we ever find each other and get the help and treatment that's needed? I don't want answers in 20 years. It will be to late. I need them now. My family needed them generations ago. My name is Sam and I'm "at risk" for Huntington's Disease. Regardless of how my testing ends HD will always be a part of my life because it's a big part of my family's history.  

           Until further testing is done I try to live like I would if I'd received a positive result. That way there can be no regret. There is so much I have to do and so much left to feel. The lingering chance that I may not know who I am in 25 years drives me. Very few people knew the risk. I try to leave little bits of myself all over so that if I'm unable to, my children and grandchildren can find me. I leave my marks randomly on paper, in pictures, up mountains and down streams. In everyone I meet and everywhere I go it's my hope that I left something worthy of remembrance. I will share my story with you in the hopes that it can be shared with someone else in my situation. To make a difference in one person's life would be enough. There are days with moments of sheer silence, only open eyes. I need to take it all in. To watch my kids play, to hear their laughs and know someday those sounds could be taken. That silly song they sing constantly in the car, I won't even remember it. Being told I'm loved won't sound the same. Childhood memories will be just theirs to share. I won't be able to reminisce on how each story goes.
       How unfair it would be of me to keep the risks to myself and not share the negative possibilities with the ones that care about me.... I told him. He didn't run. Most days it isn't even a topic worth conversing. We have lots to do. We want to do those things together. He makes my heart race. It just works. While mid adventure I will often stop to look at the surroundings and the man in front of me. I love him immensely, I don't want to forget a thing. Nothing should be allowed to touch feelings placed safely in the heart. I know each soft spot on his hands. I won't let them go.  
              I'm a physical person with an athlete's mind. I love the challenges I can give my body to make it stronger. Nonetheless these muscles I work for now could be the same ones that run me into walls and drop me off staircases later. I talk......constantly. With HD it's possible to choke to death on saliva while conversing or eating.....daily. You spend your life building everything into the person you want to be. A rare terminal genetic disease could take all of mine away, I will build anyways. 
     I have included some facts on the disease and given you many facts about my own journey. If you're in my situation or you've been down this path I hope you reach out. I'm open to any contacts. It's my hope to continually share and update my journey with you. It's a process where I'm not even sure how it ends. People assume terminal illness has a specific look or that it could never be them. I'm only one living in the at risk category of thousands, but this is what it looks like. To me, this is normal. Living every day knowing something in my DNA could eventually appear and wreak havoc on everything I know. So when you catch up with me and you think I'm living to fast or pushing to hard try to remember where I'm coming from and then feel free to join me. 

Huntington's disease (HD) is a neurodegenerative genetic disorder that affects muscle coordination and leads to mental decline and behavioral symptoms. Symptoms of the disease can vary between individuals and affected members of the same family, but usually progress predictably. The earliest symptoms are often subtle problems with cognition. A general lack of coordination and an unsteady gait often follows. As the disease advances, uncoordinated, jerky body movements become more apparent, along with a decline in mental abilities and behavioral symptoms . After the onset of Huntington's disease, a person's functional abilities gradually worsen over time. The rate of disease progression and duration varies. The time from disease onset to death is often about 10 to 20 years.
The clinical depression associated with Huntington's disease may increase the risk of suicide. Some research suggests that the greater risk of suicide occurs before a diagnosis is made and in middle stages of the disease when a person has begun to lose independence.
Eventually, a person with Huntington's disease requires help with all activities of daily living and care. Late in the disease, he or she will likely be confined to a bed and unable to speak. However, he or she is generally able to understand language and has an awareness of family and friends.
Common causes of death include: Pneumonia or other infections, Injuries related to falls, Complications related to the inability to swallow. Physical abilities gradually worsen until coordinated movement becomes difficult. Mental abilities generally decline into dementia. Complications such as pneumonia, heart disease, and physical injury from falls reduce life expectancy to around twenty years from the point at which symptoms begin. Physical symptoms can begin at any age from infancy to old age, but usually begin between 35 and 44 years of age. The disease may develop earlier in life in each successive generation. 
HD is the most common genetic cause of abnormal involuntary writhing movements called chorea, which is why the disease used to be called Huntington's chorea. The disease is caused by an autosomal dominant mutation in either of an individual's two copies of a gene called Huntingtin. This means a child of an affected person typically has a 50% chance of inheriting the disease. The Huntingtin gene provides the genetic information for a protein that is also called "huntingtin". Expansion of a CAG (cytosine-adenine-guanine) triplet repeat stretch within the Huntingtin gene results in a different form of the protein, which gradually damages cells in the brain, through mechanisms that are not fully understood. 
Diagram showing a father carrying the gene and an unaffected mother leading to some of their offspring being affected; those affected are also shown with some affected offspring; those unaffected have no affected offspring

There is no cure for HD, and full-time care is required in the later stages of the disease. 

     Existing pharmaceutical and non-drug treatments can relieve many of its symptoms.
The genetic basis of HD was discovered in 1993 by an international collaborative effort spearheaded by the Hereditary Disease Foundation. Research and support organizations, first founded in the 1960s and increasing in number, work to increase public awareness, to provide support for individuals and their families, and to promote and facilitate research. Current research directions include determining the exact mechanism of the disease, improving animal models to expedite research, clinical trials of pharmaceuticals to treat symptoms or slow the progression of the disease, and studying procedures such as stem cell therapy with the goal of repairing damage caused by the disease. (Excerpt From The HDSA) 
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Saving Our Memories Using Shutterfly!


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Click here to create your own Shutterfly photo book.
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Shutterfly Yearbooks! Easy & Affordable!


    For those of you that use Shutterfly already I'm sure you know of their huge selection on items you can customize yourself that help you enjoy and preserve memories of all types! Also including Shutterfly YEARBOOKS! If this is your first time hearing about Shutterfly its time you get ordering so you can see what keeps us going back (I use my account all the time...with 4 kids running around I'm always snapping pictures!) The quality is stellar, the ideas can be as unique as you are and the options are endless! I've put pictures on coffee mugs, magnets, books, you name it! I have never had anything ship late or arrive damaged and I'm always excited to see the orange shutterfly boxes coming to my door! Remember Christmas and birthdays as well! After getting good with the site I started to make things for people and its much more meaningful than aimlessly buying something at the store because you don't know what to get....if all else fails, sentimental always works! So now that you know a little about my love for this company let me show you whats so exciting about their yearbooks!!

This year they have a brand new style called Best in Class, and parents can now order directly online!

Easy to make Specially designed page templates make it easy to capture school year memories. Just add photos and we'll arrange them for you. Or customize it just the way you want.

Easy on your pocketbook With prices as low as $6 per Yearbook, you can be book smart and pocket wise. Enjoy savings of up to 70%.

Made to last Our award-winning photo books are printed in color and professionally bound.

Flexible orders. Fast delivery. Purchase only what you need and have them delivered to you in two weeks. Plus, your Yearbooks can be re-ordered anytime

Get a quote- Their quote tool calculates how much your Yearbook will cost.
Get account credits- Pay for your Yearbook order online. Your account will be credited.
Make your Yearbook- Checkout when you're done. Your books will arrive in two weeks. It's that easy.

For help making a yearbook you'll love you can click the following links!
Tips and Tricks
Shortcuts & Ideas
Photo List
Schedule & Timeline

To Win an 8x8 – 20 page hardcover photobook plus US standard shipping promo code (expires 4/31/2013) Enter Below by leaving your email and what you like about the yearbooks! Giveaway will end March 23rd 2013.  I will use a random number generator to pick a number (I will match the number picked with what number your comment was on the list and then email the winner)

*Winner will have 24 hours to reply to my email or another winner will be picked!

*Must be 18+ to enter!

Don't forget to make it a school year to remember. Shutterfly Yearbooks are the easiest way to preserve school memories

DISCLAIMER: this post was sponsored by the above company in exchanged for my honest opinions!
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